Sub/Verses Audio

Gordon Comstock

For all of you who feel politically homeless and are sick and tired of our stupid culture, I’m here for you…one snarky joke at a time.

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Climb Aboard My Woke Spaceship
Climb Aboard My Woke Spaceship
Today's episode: Climb aboard my woke spaceshipThere was recently a Twitter post that got people all in a tizzy. During a DEI training (diversity, equity, and inclusion, for the uninitiated), an employee at a public university was forced to fill out a form that laid out this hypothetical scenario:“The twelve persons listed below have been selected as passengers on a spaceship for a flight to another planet because tomorrow the planet Earth is doomed for destruction.Due to changes in space limitations, it has now been determined that only eight persons may go. Any eight qualify.Your task is to select the Eight (8) passengers who will make the trip.No problem, right? Let’s get the deets on these folks and figure out who will make this humanity-saving mission. Except that the only attributes provided were, as we should have expected, the categories which matter among the grievance entranced, woke-eratti…”The possible passengers are:•An accountant with a substance abuse problem•A militant African American medical student•A 33-year-old female native American manager who does not speak English•The accountant's pregnant wife•A famous novelist with a physical disability•A 21-year-old female, Muslim international student•A Hispanic clergyman who is against homosexuality•A female movie star who was recently the victim of a sexual assault•A racist, armed police officer who has been accused of using excessive force•A gay male, professional athlete, vegetarian•An Asian, orphaned 12-year-old boy•A 60-year-old Jewish University administratorLet’s forget for a second about the grammatical errors, the stilted language of the question, that this was called, unironically, “cultural competence training,” or if we should be concerned that the success of a humanity-saving rocketship hinges on being able to shed around 600 pounds.Long-time readers of The Plant are likely expecting me to go off on some long-winded diatribe about this identity politics gobbledygook. But no, no friends, I have been meditating, eating my non-gmo Wheaties, and watching all the new shows on Netflix with the non-binary animals.I don’t like this question.I don’t love this question.In fact, I wouldn’t care if this question was my first cousin; I would pretend we were in the back woods of Alabama, make sweet, sweet love to it, and have a bunch of inbred biracial “woke-questionnaire / Jewish” babies with it… that’s how worked up this hypothetical gets me.In my best Marvin Gaye impression, let’s get it on.However, I can’t jump right into this survey lovemaking like this is some Backpage whore questionnaire; that won’t do at all. This is a high-class Heidi Fleiss type of Rorschach test; we’ve got to take our time with it like a test taking Casanova or Matt Lauer. This is the future of humanity we are talking about here. We need to consider our options. Weigh the pros and cons. Do a regression analysis. Really go Pythagoras on this thing.So before we get to the answer key of this cultural competence training (aka - my objectively correct answers), I’ll provide insights into my methodology to determine who will get aboard the USS Enterprise Woke Bullshit. “Hello Houston, this is USS Enterprise Woke Bullshit; all systems are ready for lift-off.”If you want to read this, or any of my other satire, check out Hosted on Acast. See for more information.